random thoughts...

So don't be afraid; you are more valuable to him than a whole flock of sparrows. Matthew 10:31

so im feeling a bit alone right now. the whole day i have been feeling His presence off and on. One minute i feel like God is sitting right next to me, and then the next its like hes on the other side of the world. I know there is a battle for my heart. God wants me to follow him and be his child. His pathway might look difficult with twists and turns but at the end there are golden gates to his kingdom. The other path is well worn and appealing but at the end there is nothing, just emptiness. I have to decide which of these paths I will take. It seems that i have to make this decision daily.
I know that Gods path is the only one i want to travel. He is the one that actually cares about me. I am valuable to him. He is the one that will love me forever. He is enough for me. This is something ive been having to learn lately. Ever since i broke up with leon, ive had some flings with guys and the last one just ended. When i was little i always told myself that guys were stupid and I didnt need them. but now that im finally done with stupid and pointless relationships, I feel lonely at times because im used to looking forward to that phone call at night before i go to bed, or the hug randomly at school. But i realized that there is still something to look forward to. My father, God. I can go to bed tonight and feel his love surround me like the sheets in my bed. I look forward to talking to him until i fall asleep. (its better with God cause i dont have to use a phone that i could forget to hang up).
I know i went boy crazy for awhile. i dont like that. but God has forgiven me and im learning to forgive myself. and other people. All i want to focus on now is getting myself closer to Him. I want to let myself go and let him run all parts of my life, including my social life. I always fight to keep a tiny part of my life to myself but i realized that thats not going to work. I cant do this on my own. i cant be a control freek.
God is truely amazing. Thats all i can say.