i didn't even see it....

last night i was sitting and talking with leon. he was telling me about a whole bunch of stuff that was happening with him. then we just sat there and he asked me if i was okay. and i said no for some reason. he asked why and i said i have no clue. then he asked me about what was happening in my life.

then it hit me...

it felt like a ton of bricks were squishing me and i couldn't breathe and i was trapped and i could see this little light in the distance but i could never reach it. i would try to reach for it but more and more bricks kept trapping me...

i realized that i had gone through so much in the past few months. i didn't realize that i had been okay until now, it just sorta hit me when i stopped to think about it. its weird how that happens, you don't actually realize what you've been through until you stop. thats my problem, i never stop andi never think. i just go and do.. and keep going. but now i realize that that is going to hurt me in the end if i don't realize whats happening in my own life. im too caught up with whats happening around me and what im going to miss.

leon told me that whats happening is like this: im walking along a path, and i have a backpack. in the backpack are lots of stones, they are other peoples problems. and the keep filling up my backpack. soon my backpack is full of stones, it doesn't overflow but it is so heavy that i fall down. all the stones fall out of the backpack and i just sit on the ground. people pass by me with their half full backpacks and just stare and move on. Then my friends come around and they fill their backpacks with some of my stones so that when they help me up my backpack is a lot less heavy.

lately it seems like so many of my friends are having problems from abusive situations all the way to boy troubles. i guess i felt like i needed to be the strong one and i realized that im not the strong one. God is the strong one. i think that now that i now this i need to give God all these problems because he is the only one who can help me. God is my rock.